I have a dilemma about helping one of my sons financially. Here’s some backstory: I have two boys, ages 28 and 23. They are as different as day and night.
The older son has always been a late bloomer, a procrastinator, indecisive, an underachiever academically, lacking financial awareness and frugality, etc. — until recently. He has now started medical school and is doing good, staying in the top 10% to 20% of his class. Even though he is now on track with his life goal, his money-management skills are not quite there yet. He is paying for his tuition by taking out student loans. We help him with the rest: rent, food, books, supplies, travel and extracurricular activities.
My younger son is the total opposite. He is very mature for his age in every aspect. He always excelled in school, is very responsible, decisive, timely, knows his end game and never gets in trouble. He is also very frugal (even to the point of staying home and attending community college to minimize expenses for his parents), uses coupons, buys things when they’re on sale, signs up with banks and credit cards with special offers, and sells old and used stuff online to make money.
‘I am struggling with the side that my son deserves more.’
This son is health conscious, graduated with a finance major and interned at Amazon AMZN and Disney DIS, which are extremely hard internships to get. He told us later that he did 300 interviews just to get good at it before he interviewed with Amazon. He is very knowledgeable about stocks and investments. He figured out how to trade stocks and use the “think and swim” platform at the age of 18, which I would have never been able to do. He is very focused on saving and retiring early. He has embraced the FIRE concept — “financial independence, retire early.”
The younger son is now about to leave home for good to start work with Amazon full time. During a conversation with him a few days ago, I asked him if there was anything he wanted to tell me that he had on his mind or in his heart before he left home for good — sort of like an exit interview at a job. He told me that he feels he has not been treated fairly financially. My wife is of the opinion that he does not need help financially. He is no longer a student in need of financial assistance. He chose not to further his education but instead to pursue a career.
My son feels that he has done everything to save us money and that he is not getting his fair share. He wishes we would help him with rent and food expenses for the same period of time as we are doing that for his brother. His goal is obvious: put the money toward his retirement and investments. I know my younger son makes a strong case. My wife is also not totally wrong in saying that he chose to be “independent” and is no longer in school. I am struggling with the side that my son deserves more. Where is the dividing line? What is the right thing to do? Please advise.
Thank you in advance.
Dad With a Dilemma
Dear DWD,
Try to resist framing their differences as a matter of character.
First off, it’s your money, so there’s no such thing as a “fair share.” If your son was a client who had performed services and was requesting payment for those services, I would see things differently. In that case, by all means, honor the invoice. But the “invoice” in question here is payment for choices he made. From the tone of your letter, it seems the two brothers have been compared with each other — even your use of “day and night,” however unintentionally, suggests a “good” son and a “bad” son. I’m loath to paint one son with more imperfections than the other.
I’m still trying to process how your younger son could have done 300 interviews. He may have been using hyperbole as a way of illustrating that he has gone above and beyond to pay his own way and to be the responsible son, in contrast to his brother, who traveled a rockier road to get him to where he ultimately wanted to be: medical school. The bottom line is that both brothers have their own journeys, and they are both achieving their dreams. Whether one or the other did so with more debt seems immaterial if they end up in a stable, happy place.
I’m loath to paint one son with more imperfections than the other.
As an aside, procrastination is not necessarily associated with laziness. According to this study published by researchers at DePaul University and Complutense University of Madrid, nearly a quarter of adults are chronic procrastinators. The issue is correlated with other mental-health issues such as depression, anxiety, ADHD and low self-esteem. Anxiety and stress also go hand in hand and can lead to other physical illnesses, researchers say. In other words, your older son may have had to climb a virtual mountain to get to the place where he is today.
I don’t like — even perhaps bristle at — the “shakedown” aspect to your younger son’s request. What was the point of his spotless record if he now wants money for that choice? He put himself through school and is starting a job at Amazon. Good for him. He is not pursuing further education like your other son, but he appears to want compensation for that. You and your wife have other priorities to think about: figuring out your retirement goals, income and dreams, along with planning for potential long-term-care needs and unforeseen events.
One brother’s struggles should not necessarily be compared with the other brother’s smooth path, with the elder treated as a kind of latter-day prodigal son and the brother who allegedly had 300 job interviews now seeking compensation for the money he didn’t receive along the way. I appreciate that a 50/50 split seems like the fairest and most equal way to divide their inheritances — and you can still do that, if you can afford to, by giving your younger son an extra $50,000, to pull a figure out of the ether, in your will to make up for the gap.
Pin a gold star on your younger son’s lapel instead.
You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com, and follow Quentin Fottrell on X, the platform formerly known as Twitter.
The Moneyist regrets he cannot reply to questions individually.
More columns from Quentin Fottrell:
Check out The Moneyist’s private Facebook group, where members help answer life’s thorniest money issues. Post your questions, or weigh in on the latest Moneyist columns.
By emailing your questions to The Moneyist or posting your dilemmas on The Moneyist Facebook group, you agree to have them published anonymously on MarketWatch.
By submitting your story to Dow Jones & Co., the publisher of MarketWatch, you understand and agree that we may use your story, or versions of it, in all media and platforms, including via third parties.
